2015

2015 was a rough year. A roller-coaster of emotions with no pre-warning.

2015 was the year my daughter Leonor turned 1 year old, and yet I don't have one single photo of our 'family' together to remember her birthday party. And despite being partly my fault, it just tears me apart... Sometimes I hate the "family" concept.

2015 was a year of too many doubts, many tears, much wondering, many "what ifs...", a year of wasted time in personal terms. Too much pain and no gain.

In 2015 I didn't love myself enough. And that turned out to be my biggest mistake.  You can't love others fully until you accept and love yourself. Happy people don't make the same mistake twice.

2015 was a year of fear... fear of failing, fear of quitting, fear of hating, fear of loving plenty, fear of loosing, fear of moving on...

2015 was also the year I realized that when two people have problems in their relationship they are the only ones to blame for. It's pointless to bring into your own home other people's attitudes and choices, it only increases their manipulative power over your own life.

2015 was also a year of reconciliation and learning how to love again - a process that is far from completion with lots of up & downs.

I really wanted 2015 to be over. But, it keeps popping up in my mind, and I keep wondering... I keep telling myself it was just a bad year and everything will get better now that our lives seem to be heading a steady path... But the phantoms haven't vanished and my heart hasn't healed from all these troubled years [in Portugal].

Memory can be your worst enemy or your liberator.

180º

Yeap.

For the past two years my life changed more than in 10 years or so.  Big life changes are often unexpected and ... positive!

Let's see... Finished a post-graduation on pharmaceutical medicine (after doing a PhD), married the love of my life, travelled to the other side of the world for three weeks - Hong Kong, Macau & Thailand - came back to start a dead-end 1-year Post-doc (no future perspective...), found out I was pregnant 1 month later, and when I was approaching my 7th month pregnancy I started a (dream) new job in a company 5 min drive from home...!

Fate or hard work? I don't believe in fate.... but I don't feel like I've worked that hard either... so, maybe it's just luck! :-)  And when luck strikes... you grab the opportunity and don't look back! :)

3 months and 23 days ago I was giving birth to my daughter (00h05). Natural birth, no analgesics, quick and almost pain-free. What a beautiful moment to see that small little baby with lots of hair on my chest.  She's been good to us. Crying and sleepless nights seem like a long time ago, and her smile is now, often, the best part of my day. I love you my little Leonor, and I love your father :)

Today I am a bigger person and maybe a little bit more selfish. I think of my family first. And by family I mean my husband and my daughter, they are my top priority now.
Not my mother, my father, my grandmother or grandfather, or my 'in-laws'.  And no, I will not apologise if I sound narcissist or insensitive or cold-blooded.  Our parents and grand parents tend to forget how they managed their own lives, how they put their family first in the past. How they emigrated to foreign countries and travelled careless, how they enjoyed their lives far from their own parents, how they lived happy lives with friends they called 'family'.  Now, they demand more and more of our little free time, and pretend to be victims of our little will to visit them... Shame on you!

I don't and I won't tolerate possessive and spoiled people under any circumstances. And I will certainly not compromise the well-being of my family (both physical and psychological) for endless complaints and self-centred conversations.

After taking a deep breath all I can think is... it's just two to four days a month... and a couple more over Christmas holidays...! Let's just ignore the stupid comments and enjoy the good moments and the relaxed conversations when they arise!

Anyway... Back to work next Tuesday! Back to my life, my routine... really excited to be back! And yes, I won't see my daughter 24/7 but that's ok, I need it, she needs it, her father needs it (he'll stay home with her for almost 2 months)!

All good, no need to pretend what's supposed to be 'socially acceptable'. I'm different, I'm happy, I make others happy, and that's all that matters :D

                           Keep breathing, keep smiling ;)

 

Hello there!

If curiosity brought you here, then welcome to my world! :)

I like cats. I'm a 'morning' person: I like to wake up at 7 am on a sunny Sunday in the summer, have a fulfilling breakfast and go out for a walk or for a bicycle ride. I enjoy smiling to strangers walking their dogs or their kids while strolling around this small town.


I arrived in Cantanhede roughly two years ago. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, with blue skies, olive trees all over the place, a peaceful environment full of apparently happy people. Perfect scenario to write up a thesis!

Apart from my partner I didn't know anyone here. I didn't had a car or a bike at the time, and to reach the nearest town it could take me 1h30. As the days went by, I desperately needed to meet people and get some new numbers in my cellphone, for a coffee!

I signed up for the gym - I am gym person. I don't take group classes, due to my lack of coordination skills I end up spending the whole class laughing and being a distraction to others... :) So, I kept my gym routine, lifting weights slowly, pushing the limits on the mat, and chatting with healthy active people! I met great people who I can call friends today.

Next, I joined the 'Associação de voluntariado de Cantanhede' looking for a small project where I could be useful.  My task was to engage the young children in the recycling process while they are at school: the less bulky garbage the school produces, the more it can save in the monthly payments spent on rubbish collection. So, I prepared a talk where I explained the importance of producing less rubbish and to split the one we produce, which in turn had a direct impact in their school's conditions both financially and environmentally. I was amazed by their ability to listen, to ask questions, their interest in being part of solution as a whole, and how most of them already recycled at home.

Since my return to Portugal I had decided to quit research as I know it. I wanted to do something else, to work towards some realistic goal with an impact on people's lives. I felt I could use some training and I signed up for a post-graduation in pharmaceutical medicine. I really enjoyed the course. I met people working in the pharmaceutical industry, in biotech companies and from governmental regulatory bodies. All of them seemed to have a busy and dynamic life, full of commitments and responsibilities, which looked fascinating to me. Most of them are passionate about what they do, despite the countless hours they put on the job. I wanted to feel that way again.

I looked for any internship in the clinical research field, I contacted numerous recruiters, head of departments, hospitals and medical research centers: they either didn't had vacancies or they didn't want to have a PhD working along them. Sometimes I think I tried too hard, I must have looked desperate, when really I just wanted to be productive and feel useful to society.
I finally got an interview in March for a 6-month internship in Lisbon for the minimum wage starting in September 2013. Despite my contacts I only heard back from them on the 30th July, the day after I signed up for the post-doc position. I turned down the offer but I managed to pass it over to a younger student from the course. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. I got married on the 27th July, talking about life-changing decisions in 3 days in a row! ;)

I haven't stopped looking for an opportunity in biotech/clinical research industry, but I cannot afford to be out of a job for longer periods of time. I also took a couple of part-time jobs during the post-graduation course: one as a marketing agent for a brand of credit cards (Unibanco) and another one as a consultant agent at an insurance company. Both of them involved direct contact with the public and a sense of 'product value' that I hadn't experienced before.


And that's it... my life so far in Cantanhede since 2012! :) Looking forward for new challenges!

Devotion

Devotion

To Life
To Love
To Friendship
To Family
To Freedom
To Health
To Yourself
To Others

This word popped in my mind... don't know why, or maybe I do. I feel I'm not devoting enough time to any of those above, and all because of the evil words WORK (unpaid work by the way...!) and MONEY.
It is unfortunate that work and money can influence our lives so much. How did we get here? I am tired of being a prisoner of goods I cannot afford, I do not want and which I know I do not miss or need. 
I feel a huge weight over my shoulders, coming from the people who should be my number one supporters... the same who promised unconditional love ever after. And it hurts. It hurts like hell knowing you've got someone so close telling lies about you on your back. Planting ideas in people's minds that aren't true. I hate you. And you can't even read English.
I am coward and selfish. I rather keep everything still than to speak up once and for all. I can't. There are innocents who depend on the devil to survive. Literally. And even though they have few years left to live they have to put up with all the hate, anger, disrespect from those they helped to rise. It's sad.
Revenge serves no purpose but to transform you in your own enemy. But sometimes feels like that's all you've got left in your heart... so you need to fight it with Love and more Love and tender Love...

Oh sweet energy of the universe... fill my mind and my chest with warm thoughts and let them breed!

I wish you a night of hope...


 

New Year, New Life...

... and we're in 2013! Wow!

Time flies... First thought in: this is the year I'll turn 30. I look back and I like what I see :) I feel good and wouldn't have done it in any other way :) ... And I've never been SO in Love! ;)

I feel like a new cycle is about to start and I look forward for the new challenges ahead.
Tomorrow is the "first day of my life" in many years: I'm starting a part-time job as an administrative in a consulting firm. I'll be responsible for the paperwork, insurance simulations and contracts. I'm also getting training on the new rules for the electricity market that will be in place in 2015 after a 2-year transition period. So... no, nothing to do with clinical trials (apparently I'm too high skilled for those jobs.. lol), but I'm really excited!! :):) I'm addicted to new challenges, to new knowledge, to transformation... just can't help it! The guy actually hired me even though I told him I didn't want to make this my full-time job and I could leave anytime.. because I'm actually looking for a position in the pharmaceutical industry, but he appreciated my honesty and my pro-active attitude in doing what it takes to get my ass out of home and generate value!

I realize I have to take few steps back and explain where I stand these days. Let's start with the "unfinished" business: PhD. I had my defense last November, I really enjoyed the 2,5 hour discussion, I passed! And I got my list of minor corrections last month, which I haven't started on yet... but should do so pretty soon! Anyway, already feels like a closed chapter :)

Back in October last year, I started a post-graduation in pharmaceutical medicine at the university of Aveiro (www.pharmaceutical-medicine.pt) in order to pursuit a career in the clinical research field - most of which is sponsored by the pharmaceutical industry.  It's been a very interesting journey and so far it has exceeded my expectations.  Unfortunately, despite all my efforts to find an entry-level or a trainee position as a clinical research assistant, I am yet to find a job where I can use my past experience as a researcher and my training in pharmaceutical medicine to contribute to a much needed change in the health business paradigm in Portugal: create the conditions to bring more clinical trials to our country and with it external investment,and thus more jobs. But most importantly, to bring new alternative therapies for our patients that our country couldn't access or pay for otherwise.

One of the things I've heard lately is that recruiters and employers fear that recruiting "highly-skilled" people (which are nothing but PhD geeks to their eyes) for administrative/regulatory jobs will eventually lead to demotivation of the employee... Well, let me tell you two things: first, although I need  to have a job (ANY) to feel useful and mentally healthy (after all one of the very basic definitions of being Human is to be Social), I don't need an interesting job to have an interesting and challenging life (though money does help! basic rule - work to survive); second and most important: your work is what you make of it, and if my goal in few years time is to be part of a team that puts together a clinical trial protocol, starting as a data entry manager or monitor will give me access to a lot of information which I can use to learn and evolve - that's the difference between being a "trapped" genius and being a pro-active averagely intelligent person...! From my point of view... Anyway, what a pointless discussion... I'm just so tired of being labelled !!!
Why can't people just look at my PhD as a long term project that I successfully finished, and like in any other project I had to handle a great deal of frustration, criticism, ignorance; I had to manage my time, set milestones, make choices and accept them, because that's what my PhD journey meant to me - overcome but also learn from my limitations, overcome myself !!
And I can and will do it  all over again in whatever workd field I choose to pursuit.

Meantime, I'll just enjoy having a regular job after having spent 6 years of my life in academia. What a Joy :)


A luta continua! ;)

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Five years ago I joined the PhD program in Computational Biology (PDBC) hosted by the Gulbenkian Institute for Science for what turned out to be the longest and more challenging professional project so far.

I want to start by thanking the PDBC direction and in particular Jorge Carneiro for believing in my abilities and giving me the opportunity to pursuit a PhD project in a field of my choice. I also thank you Manuela Cordeiro for being always available to help sorting out any bureaucratic details. 

I would also like to acknowledge the financial support I received from the Foundation for Science and Technology (FCT), Siemens SA Portugal and Fundação Calouste Gulbenkian, which sponsored my enrolment in PDBC, financed my PhD project and allowed my participation in national and international conferences.

I thank you my main supervisor, Dr Jan-Ulrich Kreft for welcoming me in his group, for his guidance and teaching (and perseverance), for the exhausting and living discussions, for his negative and positive feedback, all of which contributed to build up my critical spirit.  I would also like to thank you Professor Chris Thomas, my co-supervisor, for taking time in sharing his vast and detailed knowledge on plasmid biology and advice on experimental design, for listening and discussing my project ideas. 

Most of my time at the University of Birmingham was spent in the Centre for Systems Biology surrounded by open-minded and creative people with whom I have shared many healthy laughs but also deep scientific discussions.  In particular, I would like to thank you my fellow PhD students Dorota, Bhima, Chinmay, Olga, Rafik, Ralf and Rob and our past post-doc Susanne for their sincere friendship and support.  I also want to thank you Claudia, Francis, Hansong, Pedro, Roshini and Sudha for their friendship and for fulfilling my free time with high quality humour and organizing outstanding social and musical events!

Many thanks must also go to all the members of the T101 Lab in the School of Biosciences, which welcomed me in their lab meetings, helped me finding space to set up my lab bench and introduced me to all the central services routines.  I also thank you the members of Professor Chris Thomas' group for the help with the strain and plasmid collections.

I would also like to thank you my past students, namely Hayley Gibbins and Zuha Khan, for the fulfilling experience of teaching basic plasmid biology and microbiology techniques and witnessing their evolution towards autonomous undergraduate researchers.

I also want to thank you my fellow colleagues from the PDBC 2007 edition, namely Afonso, Assunção, Bruno, Hugo F., Hugo M., Paula, Ricardo, Rodrigo, Susana and Zé, for making the first year of PDBC such a lively time and for their companionship throughout the tough project assignments.

I heartily thank you my parents and grandparents for their life lessons, for their relentless support and unconditional love, for their encouragement to pursuit my dreams wherever they might take me, and for taking care of my financial needs during the writing up period of my PhD thesis.

Finally, I want to thank you my beloved boyfriend, Nuno, for his relentless support to all my endeavours, for listening, for seeing the best in me and above all for loving me with no reservations.  Thank you for taking the risk of coming to UK to work and live with me, for making it a memorable year and lighting up my soul in my weakest moments. 

Obrigado!

Bring it on.

All my life I've worked hard to not disappoint my peers, to be worth of their compliment, to make them proud, trusting they knew better how to make the world a better place and they could teach me how to do it as well.
Oh holly innocence... Humans will always be humans, with all their inherent flaws and working-on virtues. Perfection is utopia. Yet we all fall for perfectionists, we idolater them. "I will take you high" they say. But they never take the first jump into the air. At the end you're left with dust, dried soil, dead souls crushed by the everlasting know-better creature. And the creature grows unaware of its growing solitude while the World keeps spinning.
The observer awakes. Experiences an excruciating pain, and grieve is the only thing left to feel. He's exhausted and decides to intervene before it's too late. The reaction has been started. There is no turning point.