Letting go...

And that's it!

I've made my mind, I've made up my mind about my priorities. And the lab is no longer one :( Unfortunately...

Looking back, I can see too much time spent on fruitless details... bad time management, too many things at the same time... too many people to please, and above all myself and my selfish ego.

But now it's time to move on and maximize the profit of what I've worked on for 3 years: my models.

The rest remain as projects for future generations... they certainly will have an entire experimental project plan which they can follow almost with their eyes closed! So I hope someone picks it up and takes plasmid biology to the next level.

I'm left with writing and supervising a summer student for two months, most probably the last time I'll be in the lab.

And... speaking of which, time to wrap up the methods section for sub-sequential peer revision...

See you and me soon!

Purpose of Life

Have we forgot why we're here? Do we need a reason? Rational or spiritual?

The world is upside down and everyone is just trying to get through Life... instead of really appreciating it.

I do that all the time... I worry, I cry, I get anxious for reasons that aren't real, I make plans, I stumble, I wake up, I smile, I laugh... and then I feel guilty because I've wasted "precious" time.

I try to remember myself how lucky I am for having a warm bed, clean water to drink, food on the table, money in the bank and unconditional Love. It seems like I have it all, but all I can see is that everything can vanish in a fraction of a second. Nothing is for sure, the future is an open road and it's up to me to make the best of it.

No certainties, but infinite possibilities. I thought that's what I wanted, but as I get old I just want to become a "robot". Do the 9am-5pm work, go to the gym, come home, cook dinner, watch a movie, read a book chapter and go to sleep!

Baaaahhhhh! I need something to strive for! Not sure science fulfills my needs... but what else do I know how to do? Well... I'm a fast learner, that's for sure.

I've come to the conclusion that it's easier to be sad and miserable than to be happy and pro-active!

The really hard work is to implement happiness on a daily-basis.

From now on I will ONLY be HAPPY! :)

2011 - The "D" year

I still remember the first time I wrote in this blog. The longest journey of my life so far was about to begin. The challenging project, new knowledge laying ahead just to be found and put together by my clinical eye. Perfection! The ultimate goal. So many projects, ideas to test... concepts to be introduced. I was even thrilled with the meetings! Meetings, individual or in group, journal clubs, departmental and school seminars, workshops, post-graduate classes, time management, scientific writing courses, conferences (the best I take with me!)... All this time running through my fingers into disposable hours, minutes, seconds... that cannot be claimed back!

And now... we've reached the bending point as I like to call it... The tension, pressure and deadlines accumulated during these two years are about to burst into either productive output or complete despair and disappointment.

I don't usually start the year in such an anxious note, but this what I feel today. It should be gone by tomorrow once I get my eyes on all the work I have to get done. It's going to a very long year...

Fortunately there's a light at the end of the tunnel, the one that keeps me going... the beautiful memories I have from Home, Portugal, from my people, honest, simple, happy, generous, intelligent people. And in particular, those who are close to me... I can't wait to get back to you all, and be at a distance of a few hours drive...

No, I don't regret coming to UK, to this particular city, university or even project. If it wasn't for it I wouldn't have met all the people I met and that are now part of my life. I wouldn't have travelled as much as I did and learned about other research all around the world, not to mention the inspiring personal life stories... I'm 27 years old, and lately that's becoming a heavy weight to carry. I see people launched into careers of all kinds... and I'm finishing a PhD that although fulfills my selfish biological curiosity, it doesn't guarantee me any further employment nor the opportunity to change the world in some way... and that is the painful truth. I came for the challenge, for the need to prove myself I was capable of undertaking a huge project and deliver new insights into plasmid ecology, using both modelling and experiments. How does that contribute to the ecological/environmental strategy of my country? How does it fit with my vision of changing environmental policies ? How will it take me to the next "job"? I'm sure it can get me into a basic research project... but is that really what I want? I don't know... I need another challenge, other skills... and I'm just not sure if I have enough time to acquire them all before I get old and older...

The "D" year: decisions, dedication and daily work.

... to be continued ...

Back in the Wet Lab!

I am now fully installed in the "wet" lab and running!:)

It's been 3 years and a couple of months since I've prepared solutions, agar plates, PCR, agarose gels, bacterial cultures, extracted plasmid DNA... and it felt so GOOD to do it all again! :) But.... it has its drawbacks... I had forgotten how tiring it can be, how time itself cannot be speeded up... quite the opposite, in the lab time is a precious variable:) You forget to drink water, to eat in the mid-morning and mid-afternoon, you stop going to the gym... well at least I walk around back and forth quite a lot hehe that must count as exercise because my legs complaint at the end of the day!

What an adventure... yet another:) to start up a lab, making various constructs that'll take months.. and then finally run the hypothesis-driven experiments! "What a feeling...!" lol Yeah, it's tough... I have to conjugate (this word has totally different meaning for me now) both theoretical work (lots of in silico simulations to do) and out-of-control lab work and... supervision of a student. Nonetheless, it's worth and would do it all again.

It's going to be a very long year... but hopefully productive, fun, exciting and challenging as always ;)

Work, work, work... there's more life beyond the rediscovery of pipetting and growing fluorescent bacteria!... but right now, my eppendorf tubes are taking over... There's so much to be done... before I can go back... home!...

And home... in this precise moment is bed! I need a good night of sleep!

Bye bye*

Inspiration

When the wave of inspiration hits you, suddenly you feel alive, a living genius! Everything makes sense, everything seems worthy... All the time you invested in literature research and designing the perfect experiment is certainly the best excuse for not finishing some other project. It's a great feeling, until you start seeing the flaws. The doubts take over your reasoning, the uncertainties make you question what's the real question... is it about advancing the knowledge or is it about your ego?

When you think you have an hypothesis worth to share, and you think you've figured out a way of demonstrating its veracity... You really feel important! At least I did... But I've had enough of ideas... of plans... of projects... I wanna get in there and do it! How long...?

You ever feel guilty for wasting time? I do... What is "wasting time"? I guess for me it's all the time I spend looking at the sealing wondering if this or that wouldn't be possible and why and how... instead of working on what's here now waiting to be wrapped up, put together and... thrown to the big fishes!... And the time goes by... and I just love to come up with more and more ideas... especially when I finally started to understand something about the field!! (2 years later...! yes, I can be slow)...

And then... there's the YOUR Life, the real adventure! The big picture...

Where's the time for that when you choose to do a "successful" PhD? Because for me there's a difference between just doing enough to get that title or to do your BEST to deserve it. I've been in between these two definitions many times... Usually what feeds my motivation to do my best is knowing where the money comes from. And to honor the confidence that the people who had the power to decide whether I got the money or not, deposited on me. Then, there are the times when I feel that my work is incredibly interesting (a couple of weeks a year) or that it will actually get me some credit even (ego speaking). Yes, there is passion... a huge curiosity that never gets satisfied... but also disappointment about what has been done so far and why it has been done that way. I like to think of myself as the "get-the-job-done" person. But lately I find it hard... I discovered I can think for myself, I can come up with my own questions... The trouble is that the world keeps spinning and my funding will eventually run out! lol I have to do what I have to do... and get over with it.

Work, work, work... Patrick wherever you are, you were right: science is addictive, and once you're in you can't get it out of your system.

Sushi, cakes and tarts...

Eating good food is one of my favorite activities, as for most Portuguese people! Am I right?! ;) Feeding is welcoming, is a way socializing, of breaking the ice, is a Life choice! And... the more the better...

I have never been adventurous enough to cook any complicated meals or any meal that required more than 1 hour of work on my own... Perhaps, because I always had my mum and grand-mum cooking delicious meals for me:) Even throughout college... thank you Tupperware! It's a pity they can't mail to this damn island...

Recently, that is, since Nuno came to UK, I have been more pro-active... always conquer the man through his bailey! :D Until one day I got home and there was SUSHI in the fridge!!!!!!!! And it was a Friday!!

The 31st July 2010!

The Friday where home-made Sushi began! And now... it's hard not to fall for the temptation of preparing sushi everyday... Yesterday we prepared some more (on the left) and there's fish left in the freezer for the next time... What an addiction!

And it's not that difficult at all. All you need is rice vinegar,, sushi rice, water, salt, sugar, algae leafs... and fish, smoked or fresh and raw vegetables at your choice! And of course... Wasabi and Soya! :)

It is delicious...

But of course... a good diet is a diverse diet, and no diet is complete without chocolate or other sweets! :) One of my favorite desserts is my mother's apple tart... On the other hand, Nuno's favorite chocolate's cake is his mum's cake. So... to be fair we ought to do both! :) What a happy weekend...!

And here is the result of a well spent afternoon! But...

The chocolate cake didn't taste exactly the same... should have used more cacao and less milk chocolate. Still, there was nothing left after 3 days...

The tart was salty, didn't know what's the equivalent of "margarina" in english, so I went for the butter... big mistake... Nonetheless, we ate everything!! lol ... And they surely look good on the screen :D I just made another one

today using vegetable "butter" with no salt, which resulted in a perfect tasty pastry :)

Another favorite dish that me and Nuno absolutely love (!!!) is "Francesinha",

a typical dish from Porto (which actually has its origins in a french recipe).

The secret lies in its sauce: a tomato-beer-based sauce that transforms a simple toast of meat and cheese into a surprisingly tasty meal! Spicy, but not too much and with such a characteristic flavor and smell that you can't miss it!

It's a proper, heavy meal to watch football and drink beer (Super Bock or Sagres)!

And today we're making some more... because it's football time! Supertaça FCPorto-SLBenfica!

Allez Porto Allez!

When Dreams come True

You know when you want something to happen so badly that Life without it becomes unbearable?

And then... it comes the day when the dream, the anxiety, the doubts... vanish! And you're finally living the Life you dreamed of :) You feel fulfilled, happier than you can remember of... and yet, it only lasts if you continue to work hard... :)

Life is a roller coaster... But not so much. If you engage and take responsibility for your acts and thoughts, you may control how long it'll take to get you to the next curve... Head up, head down... Heart beating, heart stopped, still breathing!

Adaptation is a sign of intelligence. Love is also adaptation. One has to accept other's views, habits, needs, flaws... but if you are aware of all these small things and you still feel your body trembling every-time you cross each other's eyes... you can't be wrong ;)

It's only when someone challenges your certainties that you realize how stubborn you can be sometimes... I can't imagine living with another self! And I've been living on my own for quite a time... I forgot what it is to trust someone to do simple things... to recognize their effort... I am also trying to get back on track ;)

Living with your better half is the biggest challenge that your Love will ever face. Spending quality time can be hard when you see the same face everyday. Understanding or ignoring can be a tough decision but both are important at times. Learning to remain silent is also an important skill!

Ohhh but what can I say? Go for it! :)

I'm in Love!